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survivor's guilt ft. K1NG ELJAY x Akil Pratt [prod. Kilgore Doubt x inkline]

from macro by Nerves Baddington

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lyrics

“after i have suffered enough, you see, because we are brought up in a social scheme whereby we have to deserve what we get. (yea) the price that one pays for all good things is suffering. (i coulda died first) but all of that is precisely postponement (i shoulda, i coulda) because one is afraid.”

hook
ok i’m filtering my search
tryna research how this Light work
laughing at the pain until my side hurt
like i should’ve died first
i could’ve died first
yeah i’m filtering my search
laughing at the pain till my side hurt
like i should’ve died first
how does this Light work
guilty i survived even tho i’ve survived worse

inkline
sometimes think i’ve lost every reason / sometimes i’m feeling lost barely breathing / yea we discover loss every season / then rediscover loss every weekend / scooped up tossed in the deep end / sink or swim always been a thing i’m a beast in / deca wisdom sustenance to sink teeth in / lately tryna find a new arena to compete in
blinded by the light i don’t see sin / stare into the rising sun on the east end / magic city in the mountains that’s where we been / yeah check the pretense nah i don’t pretend / we all return to dirt let it sink in / turn to compost tryna see zen /
but we never spoil i believe in / a well fertilized soil fit to plant seeds in

hook
ok i’m filtering my search
tryna research how this Light work
laughing at the pain until my side hurt
like i should’ve died first
i could’ve died first
yeah i’m filtering my search
laughing at the pain till my side hurt
like i should’ve died first
how does this Light work
guilty i survived even tho —

eljay
ok thinking of ways to relay what I see when I sleep / I used to dream but the waves of regret hit me deep / PTSD from things that I saw at 15 / anxiety from the pressure that all of it bring / seeing a friend pass away can induce a scream / or in my case make me wish that it would’ve been me / 10 feet away heard the shots that they let it all ring (?) / and it’s been years and I’m process—process— processing / wait reboot my brain crashed again (i fell asleep?) / woke up at 3am pen still in my hand (what the hell) / tryna write or cry it out try fight my doubts about the bouts / I try to use to right my routes (write my raps?) / but depression is second guessing goals before i laugh out loud (haha) / my coping mechanism is to flip a switch / although i survived suicide God’s gotta do some work in me / so i’m screaming Lightwork until i figure out it’s circuitry i’m not —

hook
ok i’m filtering my search
tryna research how this Light work
laughing at the pain until my side hurt
like i should’ve died first
i could’ve died first
yeah i’m filtering my search
laughing at the pain till my side hurt
like i should’ve died first
how does this Light work
guilty i survived even tho i’ve survived worse


“well uh..i uh..i uh..wasn’t aware”

“gonna play some music. gonna make me feel things in my body”

akil
I feel like time is just moving too quickly
I feel a draft and I wonder ‘f she in the room with me
i’m thinking which one of us is in a deeper slumber
up all night tryna adjust the sleep number
i’m bent outta shape but tend to keep a straight face
deep hurt got me in a staring contest with God to see who blinks first
shoulda put my life on the line and been her mink fur
cold world and darker
i’m seeing thangs different what ifs done flood my brain
now i’m changing lanes whipping that thang like dr strange
yall know that’s where my thoughts collect
and when these walls connect
the gates close with that pad lock and chain
now i’m hoping I can drive home peacefully
look in the mirror and she in the back seat with me
i think we gotta stop meeting like this
till we see each other again searching for ways to greive it like this

“if you had the nerve, real nerve, you would see it right away”

credits

from macro, released February 22, 2022

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